Way Back Home

That emptiness

2011-11-17T01:31:00.009+05:30

I was sitting all snuggled up in the warm autumn sun, listening to the soft music emancipating from a pair of old battered headphones. The breeze, languid, had succumbed to the sweet caress of the dimming daylight. Life seemed perfect. But it wasn't. All it took me to make that realisation was a phone call from an old friend.

She had moved on in life. She was so far away that I could hardly understand what she was saying. She hadn't called for any chit chat, she meant business. I understood that one is easily blotted out of the life of a lifelong friend. And that there is no particular reason for it.

The sun was almost set and was now a beautiful hue of orange. The headphones were still humming that country song. Life was perfect in its own way. But something felt different inside me, it wasn't a heart break. It was an emptiness gnawing me softly, very softly.

Objects of desire

2011-11-02T10:56:00.006+05:30

Cloud and I have been talking for a long time about things I don't clearly remember. Probably something about Darwinism, friendship and crushes maybe even the Occupy Wall Street movement. To tell you the truth I am still in the dark as to how or why he suddenly made the statement.

Love interests aren't people, they are objects you want to have.

And suddenly I was wide awake, aware of life.

The empty house

2011-10-26T12:24:00.006+05:30

It was about a week since I had last seen the old Bard. He had left without a word and no one had noticed that. He had walked away silently and dolefully. I had seen him leave without any affliction. And now on a bright morning, standing in the crossroads, do I feel that emptiness. Everything looked the same but felt different.

I had seen him walk these dirt beaten paths for years and now they lay desolate, forgotten. It wasn't a loss that would wrench one's heart. It was like losing something on the way and realizing the loss at a later time. He was gone and I was there standing in his home, discerning.

And I stayed there for a long time, discerning the bereavement that had befallen me.

Negotiations

2011-10-23T08:51:00.004+05:30

Sally: You found anything that you like?

We were at the book fair skimming through the shelves, having a quick read of anything that looked interesting or had a snazzy cover.

Me: Let me read this one.

I enjoying the smell of new books and the happy feeling that comes with it.

Sally: Here, take a look at this.

She handed me something pink and silver. It was a book that justified its cover, a book about BFFs, how to talk to the cute guy and other shenanigans.

Me: Seriously! who reads this stuff?

Sally: These are here because people read them.

She was talking sense but I wanted to hit someone in the face. There is something about teenage years that makes you hostile. Everything seems more; friends seem dearer, every mistake seems more grave, the crush seems like the true love, and even a small disappointment can cause heart break. Everything is more.

Sally: This is a good book. I have read this, it's very helpful.

She held out a book that teaches how to win friends. I felt cold.

Friends aren't trophies one wins in a tournament. One can only win associates. Friends came about naturally. And then it hit me. I had mistaken a negotiation to be civil to each other as friendship and she wasn't the only one.

Me: I have to leave.

Sally: This early?

Me: More like this late.

The cold was seeping in to my very bones.

Just another picture

2011-09-17T21:24:00.005+05:30

Me: I am bored.

He was trying his hands in photography. So here we were walking down a crowded street without really going anywhere. We were, what he liked to call, looking for hidden treasures.

Me: Why cant you just take a picture of that old man sitting in the shade. That always works.

He looked at the old man for a long time, scrutinising him, and then said, now gazing instead.

Leo: Isn't there enough poverty and misery in the world already! Do I have to take an extra picture to showcase it!

I knew he was right. We have a habit of looking at the less fortunate lot and then write about it, or paint it or photograph it to show how humane and sensitive we are.

One of the most overused theme is most art competitions are crying children or crying girls and they are always appreciated.

Leo: I will never do that. Misery shall never be my muse.

The swan song

2011-09-14T09:47:00.013+05:30

I was cycling through the Chatimtala as always. It was my favourite place in the entire Shantiniketan. But there was something different about it that day, something that made me twitch. He was standing there right in front of me, well not exactly, he was a few hundred feet away from me looking into the old banyan tree but his presence was so potent that I feel his eyes piercing me even though I couldn't see them.

He seemed disappointed. He had been going about his evening stroll but couldn't get to that tree, it has been fenced and the gate has been locked down for years. I remember sitting there and talking for hours but that was years ago. Things have changed since then now everything was either fenced or locked. There was a wall right in the middle of a road. I have never understood the reason of putting it there. It seemed as if they were trying to chain down Shantiniketan.

And then it hit me like a bolt of lightening. He had looked at me for a moment almost blaming me for this. It wasn't my fault but I have never done anything to stop it either. I felt guilty and shameful. I couldn't look at him any more.

And then he left, hurt and disappointed but still proud and gaunt, still in love with his home, still in love with its people. This place was his creation, he would love it forever but now with some pain, some feeling of betrayal. And he left on a melancholy note.

At that moment I knew he wouldn't come back. But I hope someday he does.

Sick Joke #45

2011-09-12T10:34:00.001+05:30

Me: I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation.

It was absurd talking to Cloud about such things, but I have always been absurd.

Cloud: Then make him understand.

I was shocked that Cloud was advising me on something like this. We were comrades, brothers in arms. We never spoke much of personal stuff, and even when we did the other one would silently listen. Advice was always out of the picture.

Me: How?

Hope is the filthiest cockroach you will ever find. Even when you have cleaned every inch of your house, one will always remain hidden in a dark corner.

Cloud: Dig up a hole about ten metres deep and throw him into it. Maybe then he will understand the gravity of things!

And we were both laughing at his sick hopeless joke.

Sick Joke #43

2011-09-11T14:55:00.000+05:30

It was a difficult time, I was still trying to get my head around the absurdity of the situation. It was so funny, it was sad. And he was trying to talk me out of it.

Me: You know me better. There's nothing you can do about it.

It wasn't about being heart broken, but about letting go. I had to let go but I was addicted to it. I had made the right decision but following a decision is a different matter altogether. I have made my mind but pain was wearing me down.

Me: Some day we will laugh about it.

I have fallen for the wrong guy at the wrong time.

Winters: Yes, we will laugh about it. And then you will see how foolish you have been.

I was still laughing about it. But I guess the difference between now and then was that then I wont be laughing like a psychopath. And I laughed bitterly like a psychopath.

Sick Joke #27

2011-09-09T18:40:00.002+05:30

Leo: I am leaving next month.

We both knew what this meant.

Me: That's cool! So you becoming a nerd now?

We both looked at each other, we have never said it but we both knew it. The pain was rising, I knew I had to leave right there and then. It was becoming too much to bear.

He just smiled. He would smile his gentle shy smile every time he was lost for words and that was most of the time. He spoke little but we would still get each other.

We couldn't look at each other, fearing what it would do to us. I could feel my internal organs clearly, it was difficult to stand straight.

Me: I guess its good bye then. Be good.

I have fallen for the right guy at the wrong time.

He looked the other way for a long time and then turned around for what would be the last time.

Leo: We will see each other again. Some other time.

And I ran for my life. I wasn't sure which way I was going. The pain in my stomach was getting worse. People usually get their heart broken but it seemed to me I got my kidney broken. I laughed a bitter laugh at the thought of it and never turned back.

Acceptance

2011-09-08T20:56:00.006+05:30

I was sitting right in front of him in the chair I was offered. He was busy going through some old papers. He haven't uttered a single word neither have I but it still felt as if we were having this conversation for a long time, that he knew everything that I ever wanted to say.

I was feeling uncomfortable sitting there right opposite to him, I wished that I had refused the chair and sat by his feet. Not because it was the more socially acceptable thing to do but because it was the only convenient thing to do. His presence was like that of a bright sun's, too much proximity to him would hurt you.

And then he looked away, following the horizon through the window and he spoke "And you thought you will understand pain without ever feeling it." It wasn't a question, it was a statement, a correct one. "Wisdom comes with pain, the pain of knowing what is right."And I broke down crying at his feet.

I was home.

Darwin and Cassius

2011-09-05T22:23:00.004+05:30

Cloud: You should see heat run.
Me: What?
Cloud: There's one female whale and ten male whales. The female whale initiates it and then the males follow. They fight each other off and the one who survives gets the female. It all boils down to this.
Me: No it doesn't. If that were true you wouldn't be single now.
Cloud: You can say so.

We have been talking like this for hours trying to figure out what is the purpose of life. We have no reason to talk like this, but then again we were the kind of people not many understand. We were loners in our own ways and were standing at vital point of our life, a point that would decide the direction we will be walking for a long time to come.

Me: I guess it Darwinism, only the initial variables have changed over time. Its no longer physical strength that matters the most, nor is it mental strength. You have to be born in a rich at least a well to do family, and have the courage to go on with your ideas. And you have to be a bloody cold blooded murderer to make it big.
Cloud: Shrewdness. You have to be extremely shrewd to milk every opportunity that comes your way. That's probably number one and the family factor is number two.
Me: No. Even if you are shrewd and have the influence but don't have the guts to do it, you wont do yourself any good. You will just end up like Cassius.

At that moment we knew we were going in the right direction. After days of discussion the solution was so simple that it startled us.

Cloud: So I should kill Ceasar myself?
Me: Yes.

Promises

2011-09-03T00:51:00.002+05:30

Me: Promise me you will come. Would hate to die without seeing you again.
Nancy: And who asked you to die!
Me: For all I know of life, I can die tomorrow.

We have been promising to see each other for about a decade now. The promises were never kept but nevertheless they were sweet.

Nancy: Anyway I'll come there for your wedding.
Me: That's a long shot.
Nancy: Marry soon, please.
Me: I have a lot to do. But I can arrange a fake marriage to see you.
Nancy: But I want to see your real hubby.

Even though I knew that what we have been talking about all this time was noise, I couldn't help feeling the warm happy feeling one gets when seeing an old toy from childhood. And I could still imagine her smiling with those twinkling little eyes that must have changed years ago. But my Nancy was smiling at me in that familiar way, crinkling her eyes till they were reduced to slits.

Me: I want to see you. Your hubby can go to hell.

And again we started making those old promises. Promises of seeing each other over the summer that never came. But we have been hoping for that summer year after year and we still were.

Hope always finds a way to trespass into your heart.

The arrival

2011-09-02T12:15:00.000+05:30

He was standing outside in the little porch. Looking gaunt and proud, even in the khadi kurta, even against the muddy walls of the little black house. He looked like a lion in that white mane and yet he looked so inherently humane. His eyes were looking far away, somewhere beyond time. He knew I had finally arrived and yet never cared to look. I was late not by minutes but by years. I stopped unsure of myself. He gave me one acidic look and walked into that little house he loved. I knew I was welcome.